Welcome to my new blog - Ramblings and Musings from the Edge...catchy isn't it?! Well, I think it is and if you don't like it or think it's lame, please don't tell me as I'm quite sensitive and was proud of my title until now. Geez!!!
Anyway, I created this page in hopes of being yet another person to share their inner most feelings with the world- NOT!! Actually, I just thought that if my friends can do it, why can't I. Everyone has a dream of fame, fortune and world peace, so with a blog maybe I can get one step closer to one of these or just tell some good stories, share sage advice and every now and then just have a place to vent when I have nowhere else to turn!
That said, if you can't already tell from those first few lines - blogging is new to me. Actually, let me clarify, I have read other blogs, am quite blog savvy (can someone be blog savvy- guess I am now), but I have never actually written my own. In fact, I'm pretty stunned that I decided to build this page (yes, that was a year ago, but better late than never, right?!) and have finally decided to start writing. While this may not seem like a big deal, it is for me. You see, I am the type of person who likes to start but not finish things, at least in most instances, so this is quite an undertaking that hopefully I'll follow through with.(fingers crossed)
Wow - now do you see why I titled this ramblings and musings from the edge? As far as I can tell I haven't shared any good stories yet and definitely don't have any good advice. Basically, I'm just sitting here - with my cat staring at me ( he does this often) typing away like crazy with no true direction or focus. Boy this is making me tired.
FOCUS - I'm back. Why did I start writing tonight, of all nights, a year after building this page you ask? (if you didn't ask, that's OK, I'm still going to tell you.) Sunday is Mother's Day and it's a day that is filled with mixed emotions for me. On one hand, I love this day as it reminds me of how lucky I am to be a mom to a wonderful, beautiful, smart, funny (almost) 8 year old little girl. On the other hand, it's also a day that reminds me of my own loss. My mother died almost 8 years ago, shortly after I turned 30 and had just had my daughter -so I'm sure you can see where I'm heading with this.
It's funny, after all this time, I have convinced myself that I'm OK. And for the most part, I am really, truly OK. The pain has lessened, I never forget, but I don't hurt everyday the way I used to. That said, certain holidays/days trigger me in ways I'm never prepared for - no matter how many times I go through this, it's always sort of a sneak attack.
I know how funny this sounds to someone that hasn't experienced this kind of loss. You're saying, "how can you not know you'll be sad on Mother's Day." It's not that I don't know I'll be sad, I just have so much to be thankful for on a daily basis - my daughter, my husband, my family and friends- that my loss isn't always front and center until a day like Sunday comes around and throws it right in my face. Basically it says, "hey dummy, everyone around you is talking about how they are going to spend the day with their Mom's, but not you, because yours is dead."
***Disclaimer*** that last snarky comment about the "dead mom" was clearly written by someone else who possessed my body for a few seconds. I am now back and in full control of my emotions and body. Thanks for standing by.
OK, seriously. I am not one to complain typically (at least not publicly as my husband might say differently), so it's rare that any friends will hear me say things about my mom, the loss or the pain like I did above. Again, my life is good, I'm generally a happy person with a healthy outlook, its just every now and then you gotta be real and face the hurt. Fortunately or unfortunately, guess it depends on how you look at it, for all of you reading this blog - tonight's that night - CONGRATS!!
Anywhoo, back to happier thoughts. All that gloom and doom aside, I LOVE being a mom. It's the most amazing, important, challenging and satisfying job I could have and I'm so proud of my daughter. I guess at the end of the day, all I can hope for is that I manage to do half as good a job with her as my mom did with me. I might have only had 30 years with her, but they were the best anyone could ask for. My mom was smart, funny, kind, loving and the best role model anyone could ask for and I'm so thankful for that!
So, Happy Mother's Day to all the great mom's out there(that's mine above with my daughter and me)- young, old, about to be. (here comes the sage advice or a lesson or something intelligent to sum this all up) Remember that life isn't always what you expect it to be-unfortunately at some point there will be bumps, challenges and hard times (they are just part of the journey). So embrace the good times and learn what you can from the bad. Make sure to laugh often, love always and appreciate every day together, as life is short, but that doesn't mean it can be lived to the fullest.
Whewwww... I made it. Blog posting #1 complete. Thanks for listening....till next time.....
