National Previvor Day.....

I'm sure that if anyone is still reading my blog, you're wondering what exactly is "National Previvor Day". Well, let me start off by saying, I've never heard of it either until this very second. That's right, I did a search to find the true definition of Previvor(I'd heard of the term, not the day) to share with you all, and came across this newly anointed day. I have to admit, I was a little surprised to see that there's a day that acknowledges someone like myself, who is by definition a Previvor. 

What is a Previvor you ask - well let me tell you - "A Previvor is a person who has not had cancer but has a predisposition to develop it. Some previvors have a genetic mutation (namely BRCA1 or BRCA2 -such as my brother and I - we're BRCA1) that puts them at risk. Others don't have this mutation, but they have a strong family history of cancer and other risk factors that increase their odds of getting the disease."

The following is something I wrote shortly after finding out I was a "Previvor" (this was over 3 or 4 years ago and it's not Pulitzer worthy or anything, I guess consider it a pre-blog post) - please note, I am not sharing this to make anyone sad or to feel bad for me. Just the opposite - to understand that choices are made everyday and how we choose to approach them is what really matters most. Life will never be easy - there will always be bumps and bruises and all sorts of things, but learning to love and enjoy what's around you in the process - no matter how challenging - is sort of what makes it all worth it in the end.

Thanks for reading

Living with cancer.  I’ve been living with cancer for as long as I can remember.  It’s a part of my life, my memories, my future, and it’s something that I’m not sure I’ll ever escape.  My mother had it, I will most likely get it, my daughter will be at risk some day and so it goes….

Everyone is affected by something, their lives are altered whether by disease, tragedy or life in general, but we’re all dealt a hand that we are forced to play.  What makes the outcome different for each of us is how we play the game.  Do we decide to let life beat us when things go wrong or see the bright side and persevere?   I guess that really depends on each individual and how the story is meant to unfold. 

For me, my story has had a few bumps in the road, some I could have done without but in the scheme of things, happened for a reason.  One of those bumps, a particularly big one was cancer.   My mother was diagnosed with breast cancer at 37.   A double mastectomy and treatment in her 40’s, ovarian cancer at 50 and by 55 full-on metastasized ovarian cancer which ultimately lead to her death. 

I’ll admit, not a pretty picture but a real one. It was a hard time for all of us, each dealing as best we could including my mother.  Throughout her bouts with cancer she fought like hell. I’ve never seen someone with such sheer will power and strength to fight something so horrible.  No matter how sick she was she kept on going, making sure that everyone around her did the same. There was no pity, no remorse, at least not on the surface, just an opportunity to live life to the fullest and enjoy every moment that was to be had.

You know, no matter how many times I wish I had my mother back, I am thankful in a strange way for what her death has given me.  It has taught me that I have a strength I never knew I had. An ability to see the good in situations that are not always positive and that life is about more than my needs but about my family and all the people that I love. 

It’s really sad that a painful and scarring event is sometimes what it takes to make you 

re-examine your life.  It provides you with an outlook much earlier on than most people will ever have or know how to tap into.  It forces you to grow up quickly and see life as something that is not permanent or forever, but meant to be lived in the now. 

Although I am not sick, I recently learned that because of a strong family history, I will more than likely have cancer sometime soon.  It’s a hard thing to hear even if you knew it was something that would most likely happen.  It’s one thing to assume it’s another thing to know for sure. 

When I learned of this news I was shocked and sad but somewhat relieved to know I was being given control over the disease that took my mother away from me.  My family on the other hand took the news a little harder.  It’s a tough disease that affects everyone involved in different ways but no one goes unharmed. 

Having this information puts me in a strange place. One where I’m not sick but most likely will be.  Where I am meeting with doctors and being given my choices as if I’m sick and again couldn’t be healthier for now.  I can’t even begin to imagine what it would be like to actually have cancer, I’m not sure it could be too much worse than what I’m going through right now, but I’d prefer not to find out given the choice. 

I miss my mother every day and wish she were here to help me with this news and the decisions that I am about to face.  I wish I could tell her how much I envy her courage and strength.  That for as much as I fought to be someone so different than she, I am turning out to be more and more like her every day and I’m thankful for that.  I am starting to see where her strength came from and how she managed to live her life in the moment.  Taking charge instead of letting events take charge of her.

As I’ve learned, life is short.  It leads us down a road that is often full of bumps and surprises, some that we’d rather not have, but nonetheless all part of the journey. 

The Art of Zen

It started off as a really good idea. Central Park. Yoga with the masses. Quality time getting Zen with a good friend. Free Stuff. What more could you really ask for?

Let me tell you what you could ask for.

Getting to the park early enough so that you're not standing in line behind at least 5,000 others(if not more) with at least another 5,000 behind us.

Exhibit A:

When you finally get to the front of the line and what you assume is salvation, not having the sky open up and start to downpour. Resulting in cancelling of said event and thousands of annoyed NY'ers still in line wanting their free stuff or some redemption for waiting in line for close to 2 hours in the heat and never getting Zen.

Exhibit B:

Finally, after mad rush and near death experience to obtain free stuff (yoga mat, chocolatey treats and reusable bag) in pouring rain, realization that you are in the middle of Central Park, soaking wet and yet to have actually accomplished anything remotely Zen like.

Once reality sets in, two good friends who were looking to have nice relaxing evening join the masses and start the journey home.

Exhibit C:

Clearly smiles on faces are result of insanity and loss of any common sense. Fortunately, said friends are still friends and consider the evening a SMASHING success. (at least we think.)

Lesson learned - next time someone offers to do Yoga in public place with 10,000 other people do as follows:

1) Arrive when event suggests you actually arrive. DO NOT assume you know better and arrive when you want - trust me, it will not work to your advantage.

2) Faced with choice to secure free goods or make it out alive - skip the free goods and run for the hills. While I can't say I'm sad I got stuff, I certainly could have left without.***
(***side bar here - ignore rule 2. When you've been waiting in line as long as we did - never leave without free stuff no matter what the risk to your safety!)

3) I learned nothing else from this event except that it really was fun and would absolutely do it all over again. This clearly leads back to the earlier comment that I have no sense of reality and am somewhat insane.

NAMASTE!!!

Human Error...

Everyday when I commute to NYC, I see some of the most amazing things. No - not skyscrapers or famous people but regular people (like you and me, sort of) that have chosen to ignore some really basic, standard rules. 

In an attempt to better understand why this happens(or just have a good laugh), I've recently (my commute home today) decided to document this phenomenon. So, armed with my trusty camera phone I have been scouring NYC(on subways, railroads and basically anywhere I have access to people) looking for those doing wrong and snapping photos of them (inconspicuously or so I hope) - to share with all of you. (yes, you're welcome.) So, let's get started. 

Example #1 - Man with Insane Ear Hair

Whether it's the man on the train who has decided that ear hair is back in fashion with a vengeance or one of the many men in your life - ear hair this long is NEVER OK.  Seriously, this is not a joke.

I saw this man sitting in front of me one day on the railroad and I almost peed my pants (OK, not really, but come on- who has ear hair like this.) WHY does he not see how long the hair is? Does the woman who was sitting with him (I assume he's married to her as they had wedding bands and left together) never say, "Honey, it's time to trim your ear hair." Really, come on people, get it together already. SO NOT COOL.  Go out, buy a razor and trim the damn hair. Whew - felt good to get that out of my system. 

Example #2 - Big Girl in a Small Dress

This woman (the one in the white dress, black sweater and leggings) was on the subway platform with me one morning and I just had to snap her photo. 

Granted this isn't as bad as ear hair man, but it certainly begs the question - WHY?! Why put on clothes that don't fit? Everyone wants to look pretty, but really come on. When there are that many rolls and things sticking out, clearly this isn't a good choice. Now, this isn't the first time anyone has seen this, but yet it never ceases to amaze me. Buy clothes that fit - pretty simple huh?

One more and I'll call it quits for now (promise..)

Example #3 - The Comb-Over

Come on. In this day and age, aren't men past being worried about thinning hair and baldness. OK- I'm sure it's hard to accept and I'm thankful I have enough hair for 50 people, but really it's 2010 - Bald is Beautiful. (so I've heard). 

Whether it's male friends, loved ones or very hot celebrities - more men are opting to ditch the toupees, comb-overs and hair plugs for good ol' fashioned baldness. Unfortunately, some people still haven't gotten the memo - case in point. 

Come on buddy - just shave it off already. It'll set you free! 

OK- I'm done for now. If anyone found this posting offensive, I apologize (not really, just trying to be politically correct).  Anywhoo- I promise to continue to post more photos and share more ridiculous finds when I can. In the meantime, feel free to share your photos and comments - just remember that we all have had these moments so the next time you're faced with one, whip out that camera phone, snap a photo and share it with me.

Till the next one....adios!

Take Two.....

So it's been a few weeks since I started this blog (19 days to be exact, but who's counting?!) and I'm sure you've all (well, all three or four of you anyway) been pining away wondering when I'd bless you with another post. Good News - here it is. Bad News - don't really have much to say. Ha!!

Alright, that's not exactly true. If I didn't have much to say why I would go and start a blog - that would be silly wouldn't it?! (don't answer - that was rhetorical) OK - the truth of the matter is there's a lot of pressure (clearly self-inflicted) to top yourself when writing the second post. I've thought of a million stories to share over the last 19 days (yes, I felt that needed to be repeated) and each one was going to dazzle and inspire everyone. BUT (and this is a big BUT) as you can tell, none of them actually came to fruition and sadly, this blog is all down hill from here.

Well, maybe I'm being a little dramatic. (we all know I can be at times) Perhaps what I'm getting at (I'm almost done Jeff - hang in there) is that it's not always about the content but more about the effort and consistency. It's easy (sometimes) to start something but following through and actually finishing it is a whole other ball of wax.  So, while I may not always have something witty or ingenious to say, I do want to be heard and will keep at this until I literally have nothing else to say or everyone stops reading. (hard to tell which will happen first-any guesses there?!)

Anyway, thanks for your patience. I promise the next one will be much more rewarding....

Hello from the Edge.....

Welcome to my new blog - Ramblings and Musings from the Edge...catchy isn't it?! Well, I think it is and if you don't like it or think it's lame, please don't tell me as I'm quite sensitive and was proud of my title until now. Geez!!!

Anyway, I created this page in hopes of being yet another person to share their inner most feelings with the world- NOT!! Actually, I just thought that if my friends can do it, why can't I. Everyone has a dream of fame, fortune and world peace, so with a blog maybe I can get one step closer to one of these or just tell some good stories, share sage advice and every now and then just have a place to vent when I have nowhere else to turn!

That said, if you can't already tell from those first few lines - blogging is new to me.  Actually, let me clarify, I have read other blogs, am quite blog savvy (can someone be blog savvy- guess I am now), but I have never actually written my own. In fact, I'm pretty stunned that I decided to build this page (yes, that was a year ago, but better late than never, right?!) and have finally decided to start writing. While this may not seem like a big deal, it is for me. You see, I am the type of person who likes to start but not finish things, at least in most instances, so this is quite an undertaking that hopefully I'll follow through with.(fingers crossed)  

Wow - now do you see why I titled this ramblings and musings from the edge? As far as I can tell I haven't shared any good stories yet and definitely don't have any good advice. Basically, I'm just sitting here - with my cat staring at me ( he does this often) typing away like crazy with no true direction or focus. Boy this is making me tired.

FOCUS - I'm back. Why did I start writing tonight, of all nights, a year after building this page you ask? (if you didn't ask, that's OK, I'm still going to tell you.) Sunday is Mother's Day and it's a day that is filled with mixed emotions for me. On one hand,  I love this day as it reminds me of how lucky I am to be a mom to a wonderful, beautiful, smart, funny (almost) 8 year old little girl. On the other hand, it's also a day that reminds me of my own loss. My mother died almost 8 years ago, shortly after I turned 30 and had just had my daughter -so I'm sure you can see where I'm heading with this.

It's funny, after all this time, I have convinced myself that I'm OK. And for the most part, I am really, truly OK. The pain has lessened, I never forget, but I don't hurt everyday the way I used to. That said, certain holidays/days trigger me in ways I'm never prepared for - no matter how many times I go through this, it's always sort of a sneak attack. 

I know how funny this sounds to someone that hasn't experienced this kind of loss. You're saying, "how can you not know you'll be sad on Mother's Day." It's not that I don't know I'll be sad, I just have so much to be thankful for on a daily basis - my daughter, my husband, my family and friends- that my loss isn't always front and center until a day like Sunday comes around and throws it right in my face. Basically it says, "hey dummy, everyone around you is talking about how they are going to spend the day with their Mom's, but not you, because yours is dead." 

***Disclaimer*** that last snarky comment about the "dead mom" was clearly written by someone else who possessed my body for a few seconds. I am now back and in full control of my emotions and body. Thanks for standing by.

OK, seriously. I am not one to complain typically (at least not publicly as my husband might say differently), so it's rare that any friends will hear me say things about my mom, the loss or the pain like I did above. Again, my life is good, I'm generally a happy person with a healthy outlook, its just every now and then you gotta be real and face the hurt. Fortunately or unfortunately, guess it depends on how you look at it, for all of you reading this blog - tonight's that night - CONGRATS!!

Anywhoo, back to happier thoughts. All that gloom and doom aside, I LOVE being a mom. It's the most amazing, important, challenging and satisfying job I could have and I'm so proud of my daughter. I guess at the end of the day,  all I can hope for is that I manage to do half as good a job with her as my mom did with me. I might have only had 30 years with her, but they were the best anyone could ask for. My mom was smart, funny, kind, loving and the best role model anyone could ask for and I'm so thankful for that!

So,  Happy Mother's Day to all the great mom's out there(that's mine above with my daughter and me)- young, old, about to be. (here comes the sage advice or a lesson or something intelligent to sum this all up) Remember that life isn't always what you expect it to be-unfortunately at some point there will be bumps, challenges and hard times (they are just part of the journey). So embrace the good times and learn what you can from the bad. Make sure to laugh often, love always and appreciate every day together, as life is short, but that doesn't mean it can be lived to the fullest.

Whewwww... I made it. Blog posting #1 complete. Thanks for listening....till next time.....