You Say It's Your Birthday......

Yep, it's that time of the year again. I'm not sure how it got here so damn fast as I could have sworn I just had one, but nope it's back. Now you might be reading this and thinking, it's a special day, why isn't she more excited - well don't get me wrong, I love a good birthday more than the next person but at a certain point it's just a little depressing. Let's face it, I'm OLD. What happened to my 20's - wasn't I just running around my backyard  searching for nips of alcohol at my 21st birthday or getting ID'd for the first time at the CHALET or even my good ol' 30's (still have one more year, but who's counting). Where did it all go??!?!?!?

Whoa's me ... at a certain point can we just start to count backwards, I really think that's fair, don't you?! I won't tell if you won't. OK  - not realistic, I get it (sort of). Time to face the piper and accept that I'm 39 freakin years old today --goodness. I know the number shouldn't matter, it's how you feel on the inside, but that's the problem - I feel OLD. The bones creak, we're in bed before midnight and all nighters- who does those anymore. That's right, the young folks.

Anywhooooo --- just needed to share before attempting to retire for the night. I'm sure my birthday will be a smashing success this year as it is every year, but sometimes you just gotta call it like you see it. Bet you all can't wait to see what I have to say about 40 .....

National Previvor Day.....

I'm sure that if anyone is still reading my blog, you're wondering what exactly is "National Previvor Day". Well, let me start off by saying, I've never heard of it either until this very second. That's right, I did a search to find the true definition of Previvor(I'd heard of the term, not the day) to share with you all, and came across this newly anointed day. I have to admit, I was a little surprised to see that there's a day that acknowledges someone like myself, who is by definition a Previvor. 

What is a Previvor you ask - well let me tell you - "A Previvor is a person who has not had cancer but has a predisposition to develop it. Some previvors have a genetic mutation (namely BRCA1 or BRCA2 -such as my brother and I - we're BRCA1) that puts them at risk. Others don't have this mutation, but they have a strong family history of cancer and other risk factors that increase their odds of getting the disease."

The following is something I wrote shortly after finding out I was a "Previvor" (this was over 3 or 4 years ago and it's not Pulitzer worthy or anything, I guess consider it a pre-blog post) - please note, I am not sharing this to make anyone sad or to feel bad for me. Just the opposite - to understand that choices are made everyday and how we choose to approach them is what really matters most. Life will never be easy - there will always be bumps and bruises and all sorts of things, but learning to love and enjoy what's around you in the process - no matter how challenging - is sort of what makes it all worth it in the end.

Thanks for reading

Living with cancer.  I’ve been living with cancer for as long as I can remember.  It’s a part of my life, my memories, my future, and it’s something that I’m not sure I’ll ever escape.  My mother had it, I will most likely get it, my daughter will be at risk some day and so it goes….

Everyone is affected by something, their lives are altered whether by disease, tragedy or life in general, but we’re all dealt a hand that we are forced to play.  What makes the outcome different for each of us is how we play the game.  Do we decide to let life beat us when things go wrong or see the bright side and persevere?   I guess that really depends on each individual and how the story is meant to unfold. 

For me, my story has had a few bumps in the road, some I could have done without but in the scheme of things, happened for a reason.  One of those bumps, a particularly big one was cancer.   My mother was diagnosed with breast cancer at 37.   A double mastectomy and treatment in her 40’s, ovarian cancer at 50 and by 55 full-on metastasized ovarian cancer which ultimately lead to her death. 

I’ll admit, not a pretty picture but a real one. It was a hard time for all of us, each dealing as best we could including my mother.  Throughout her bouts with cancer she fought like hell. I’ve never seen someone with such sheer will power and strength to fight something so horrible.  No matter how sick she was she kept on going, making sure that everyone around her did the same. There was no pity, no remorse, at least not on the surface, just an opportunity to live life to the fullest and enjoy every moment that was to be had.

You know, no matter how many times I wish I had my mother back, I am thankful in a strange way for what her death has given me.  It has taught me that I have a strength I never knew I had. An ability to see the good in situations that are not always positive and that life is about more than my needs but about my family and all the people that I love. 

It’s really sad that a painful and scarring event is sometimes what it takes to make you 

re-examine your life.  It provides you with an outlook much earlier on than most people will ever have or know how to tap into.  It forces you to grow up quickly and see life as something that is not permanent or forever, but meant to be lived in the now. 

Although I am not sick, I recently learned that because of a strong family history, I will more than likely have cancer sometime soon.  It’s a hard thing to hear even if you knew it was something that would most likely happen.  It’s one thing to assume it’s another thing to know for sure. 

When I learned of this news I was shocked and sad but somewhat relieved to know I was being given control over the disease that took my mother away from me.  My family on the other hand took the news a little harder.  It’s a tough disease that affects everyone involved in different ways but no one goes unharmed. 

Having this information puts me in a strange place. One where I’m not sick but most likely will be.  Where I am meeting with doctors and being given my choices as if I’m sick and again couldn’t be healthier for now.  I can’t even begin to imagine what it would be like to actually have cancer, I’m not sure it could be too much worse than what I’m going through right now, but I’d prefer not to find out given the choice. 

I miss my mother every day and wish she were here to help me with this news and the decisions that I am about to face.  I wish I could tell her how much I envy her courage and strength.  That for as much as I fought to be someone so different than she, I am turning out to be more and more like her every day and I’m thankful for that.  I am starting to see where her strength came from and how she managed to live her life in the moment.  Taking charge instead of letting events take charge of her.

As I’ve learned, life is short.  It leads us down a road that is often full of bumps and surprises, some that we’d rather not have, but nonetheless all part of the journey. 

The Art of Zen

It started off as a really good idea. Central Park. Yoga with the masses. Quality time getting Zen with a good friend. Free Stuff. What more could you really ask for?

Let me tell you what you could ask for.

Getting to the park early enough so that you're not standing in line behind at least 5,000 others(if not more) with at least another 5,000 behind us.

Exhibit A:

When you finally get to the front of the line and what you assume is salvation, not having the sky open up and start to downpour. Resulting in cancelling of said event and thousands of annoyed NY'ers still in line wanting their free stuff or some redemption for waiting in line for close to 2 hours in the heat and never getting Zen.

Exhibit B:

Finally, after mad rush and near death experience to obtain free stuff (yoga mat, chocolatey treats and reusable bag) in pouring rain, realization that you are in the middle of Central Park, soaking wet and yet to have actually accomplished anything remotely Zen like.

Once reality sets in, two good friends who were looking to have nice relaxing evening join the masses and start the journey home.

Exhibit C:

Clearly smiles on faces are result of insanity and loss of any common sense. Fortunately, said friends are still friends and consider the evening a SMASHING success. (at least we think.)

Lesson learned - next time someone offers to do Yoga in public place with 10,000 other people do as follows:

1) Arrive when event suggests you actually arrive. DO NOT assume you know better and arrive when you want - trust me, it will not work to your advantage.

2) Faced with choice to secure free goods or make it out alive - skip the free goods and run for the hills. While I can't say I'm sad I got stuff, I certainly could have left without.***
(***side bar here - ignore rule 2. When you've been waiting in line as long as we did - never leave without free stuff no matter what the risk to your safety!)

3) I learned nothing else from this event except that it really was fun and would absolutely do it all over again. This clearly leads back to the earlier comment that I have no sense of reality and am somewhat insane.

NAMASTE!!!